What I would like to begin by saying is we don’t have a problem of bullying, a “bullying culture” is our problem; it is our culture, the American culture. We see it in our media, in our talk shows, our political sphere, our reality shows, our workplace, our schools, and most the damaging: our homes. One video I was watching alluded to the phrase, “we cheer in the movie when the bully gets his deserved beatdown in the end, but in our real life the opposite is often true.” The bully, you see, shows no fear and commands respect. The bully is often the boss and gets what he/she wants. We say we don’t support or want to be like that, but our actions (the majority) say the opposite: do whatever we want to whomever we want whenever we want without any repercussions. This aggression is secretly desired and enabled. This is the ugly face of our culture: a greedy, selfish, demanding, unreasonable child.
Now you may ask who promotes such a way of life? Is that me? Is that someone I wish to be? Well, according to one source (and I have many), The Bully Society by Jessie Klein; we need “to reclaim our American schools from this vicious cycle of aggression. It threatens our children and our society at large.” It is more damaging than any gun, more penetrating than any bullet. In a sense, our culture more than anything cultivates a “hyperactive sense of competition” to win at all costs, even if that means stepping on people on the way to get to the top. Ms. Klein even takes it a step further by saying how boys and girls both assume a “hyper masculinity” to show strength and dominance. They become this role so strongly that all of the negative aspects come along with it: uncaringness, lack of empathy, disrespect, violence and excessive force(win by any means necessary)
If you think I’m exaggerating, just look at the news. Look what sells, look what our society has become. Even those who say they’re religious or moral often become hypocrites when someone does what they don’t like, or stands in the way of that promotion in their career. It’s imbibed in us so far back in sports and even kindergarten to be the best. And too bad if you miss the boat, or get left behind. Always be first, but at what cost?
Now, I won’t go into too much in this blog, but there is some chemistry/ biology involved here. Bullies or sociopaths derive pleasure from causing pain in others. Like a drug, they need a bigger fix each time to get the same benefit of exerting their dominance. One writer noted it’s located in the basal forebrain and lateral habenula circuit that “mediates an individual’s motivation to engage in bullying.” So, are we all longing for that impulse? Is it learned behavior, or are some individuals “just naughty by nature?” Well, I do believe it is the former, but I do also believe once one gets a taste of that power it becomes almost impossible to stop. And how does the victim factor into all of this?
Well, as the aggressor/bully/tormentor powerful wolf gets fed and enabled, the other wolf(like the old Native American fable of the two wolves) gets starved, paid no attention and dominated(we all have two wolves inside of us, according to the tale) You don’t have to deduce much to see who wins 99% of the time, or nine times out of ten. The aggressor is not going to be the victim. The bully, as I stated previously, doesn’t hide in the margins or in the fringes. The bully/aggressor/tormentor is in the inner circle, in plain sight with glowing false bravado. The more we glorify, enable, let things go, silently observe, refuse to check his/her inappropriateness, the stronger this monster gets. The victim, unfortunately, gets even further disempowered, is even less noticed, and receives more abuse. See where I’m going with this? If the victim keeps backing down and backing up, soon a corner approaches. The victim is left with very few options: suicide, self-harm, homicide, assault, or a lifetime of Post-Traumatic Stress loaded with anxiety, depression and confrontation issues.
What now, then? What is left? What can we do? What I can say is we; the people, the students, the adults, supervisors, administrators, teachers, the police can start changing the culture: piece by small piece. But this is not going to be done in an American, microwave, instant gratification minute. It’s going to take patience, understanding, influence, strength and most of what we don’t want to hear: Time. We need to stop putting our faith in empty Zero Tolerance or Anti-Bullying programs, if no one means it. Schools need to practice what they preach, and actually make a conscious effort to focus on the victim. They must not shift blame from the bully. We need to embrace such values as sharing, helping others, collaboration, and not favor one elite group or indivual over a weaker, less popular group or individual. We need to stand up to the bully, and use a program like they do in Finland called KiVa. The program encourages building a wall around the victim, and calling out the bully for his/her deviant behavior. It’s a group effort. We need to shut down this threat, so it doesn’t become an unstoppable inferno; we need a fire we can extinguish. That fire can be redirected into the victim, so he/she no longer presents a target, and therefore, is no longer a victim, but an equally represented and valued individual. The change starts with you, it starts with me. We can all have our own power and achieve our individual dream with a quiet confidence and powerful resolve. I encourage you to embrace the change because I, for one, am ready to pick up this pyramid, and flip it over on its head.
Bullying and Its After Effects 